Below are the 7 most recent journal entries recorded in ali_deaux's LiveJournal:

Friday, April 2nd, 2004
1:12 pm	neo cynicism never tasted so good Shaun asked me to get with him earlier this morning. I don't know who that boy thinks he is sometimes. We just go back and forth playing this little game and in the end, its Ruby who gets the prize. I use the word prize figuratively because I would never consider Shaun as such. He's nothing more than a mere trophy, a faux moosehead to hang in the den. I don't know how serious he was while talking to me but I'll admit that I *did* entertain the notion for a minute. He has a way with words, like a greasy persian used car salesman. I don't really care whether it was anything but the usual teasing. There was an utter sincerity in his voice though. What the fuck is on that boy's mind? Who cares? We tease each other for fun to compensate for the enormous amount of sexual and emotional tension between the two of us. He went on and on about all of this crap this morning and I fully agree with every last word that spewed out of his mouth. I think he's right for Ruby though, not me. When all is said and done I know that he would be very happy with her. I just don't understand why the two of them play this stupid game back and forth, and futher, I don't understand where I come into play in this picture. *le pitiful sigh* (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 27th, 2004
6:49 am	Too young and too proud to understand Tonight was really tiring. I wonder what the hell happened to Danny. He wont pick up his phone. I hope he's just crashed out somewhere. I'm starting to get worried about him. He needs to call me ASAP. I'm starting to think he got locked up in LA. Did I just almost hook up with Ashkan last night? He was all complaining about how Hasti was there and I was *just* trying to comfort him and he tried to take advantage of that. I really don't want to have anything to do with boys right now. I just want to work on school and get that stuff all out of the way. Ashkan was way faded last night and just being, weird? Ruby and Shaun and I went out to breakfast for a quick minute, that was fun. Nothing else of major interest happened last night. I did get this guys phone number but I don't think I'll be calling him. I'm sure I'll see him around though seeing as how *everybody* knows each other out here. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, March 26th, 2004
7:48 am	Pretty girl... I'm using Arshauns computer to write this and he's giving me the horny face so i should make this quick... Yesterday was fucking great. I woke up (i slept!!!!) and had breakfast with Shaun. I cooked, he ate. After breakfast we just sat there. I noticed something about him that usually passes simply because I'm so used to being around him all the time. Actually I noticed two things. One, he's really cute. Two, he's a great friend. The way that we can giggle and laugh and tickle each other and then yell and chew heads off and still give each other little pecks on the cheek and stuff makes me smile. I never really thought that I'd have this sort of relationship with a guy who wasn't my boyfriend. I'm glad though that I have someone who isn't Danny to share myself with because Shaun is probably the only person who makes me feel at ease with myself. He makes me feel important, sexy, and loved. This isn't to say that I don't feel these things on a daily basis but it's just nice to be reminded from somebody close from time to time :) I completely respect what he has with Ruby and I also respect the fact that the boy can have close relationships with girls and still remain faithful to his girlfriend...something that bugs me sometimes because he *does* make me horny. I wonder where my recent a-sexuality came from? I'm 22 years old and somewhat in a supposed and fabled sexual peak but I haven't had sex in two months, maybe even more. This is what I'm talking about when i say that he makes me feel at ease. The thought of having a relationship without the sex always puzzled me. I never quite figured out how those damn virgins do it. I know now though that it's easy. If your satisfied emotionally the sex just becomes en extra curricular and rarely necessary bi-product. I'm so fulfilled at this point in my life that I dont feel the urge to have sex. I do get horny, quite often might I add, but it doesn't ever provoke me to go out and do it. I guess im not the type of girl I always thought I was. Over the past 5 years I've had 5 partners and they've each satisfied me in a different way. But the satisfaction that I have with *everything* in my life right now is better than any sex could ever be. Plus, I have my trust rabbit and a small array of other sexual desserts and cupcakes that make everything that much better. I just moped around and kicked it for the greater portion of the day yesterday. I had a couple beers and just watched TV and wrote alot in my journal at home. I love having the house to myself because Danny always creates a ruckus of some sort and though it's welcomed most of the time I still like to have my days to myself. I did some smoking yesterday but not that much. I just wanted some time to think and be mellow and I definitely got it. Last night I went out for sushi with booby, Arshaun, Henry, Arthur, and Asia. We had such a good time laughing and eating and drinking hehe. God, I really dont drink very often but there is something about having a few beers with really good food that just gets me every single time. It's funny watching Ruby drink beer because even though she really likes it, she's always so concerned with the calories and carbohydrates. The look on her face when she finishes one and wonders if she should have another is beyond priceless. Our fucking bill came out to 500 dollars and we left the girl a 100 dollar tip cuz she rocked. This girl was so fucking pretty and she sat down after work and had a beer with us and stuff. She was really diggin on Arthur and he ended up getting her phone number. I wonder what's gonna develop with that. I know Arthur only digs asian girls and she was telling me that she only likes Japanese guys but she thought Arthur was really hot and good humored. It was cute seeing how into her Arthur really was when we were driving home. She also asked me if Shaun ever shuts the fuck up, and if he doesn't, if he's always as funny as he was last night. I laughed because she told me that she had a hard time figuring out which one of us was his girlfriend. After dinner we came back to my house (amazingly Danny was still out) and smoked some bowls and played monopoly hehe. I, of course, was the first one to lose because everyone always teams up against me :( These fucking drug dealers and their fat wallets. Im amazed with the fact that they play over real money when the play monopoly. I'm watching Shaun smoke right now. He's been quiet for the past half hour or so just playing with the pipe and stopping every few minutes to ask me what my favorite something is. I know he's going to read this and I'm really too shy to ask him myself so I'm just going to write it in here in hopes that when he reads it he doesnt find it pushy or intrusive. Shaun, Do you ever think of me in *that* way? I dont feel any need to specify the logistics of my question since it's only him and ruby that can read this damn thing anyways. I just want to know his opinion on it but as I mentioned above, I'm just too fucking shy to ask him. I just wonder sometimes because I get lonely and I wonder what our friendship really means to you. I respect the fact the he has a girlfriend but hehe only to a certain extent. I know how he is though and the fact that he hasn't even tried to cheat on the girl has made me realize that there was always a more sensitive caring side to him that what I had previously figured. I can tell that he really likes Pearl and sincerely cares about her. At first I just thought that it was his way of wasting some time as different girls often are for him. But through these past few weeks of just talking about things with him (relating to her) I've been able to solidly conclude that he really is serious about their relationship. I've never known Shaun to be the type to settle down but he *has* and he's happy with it to say the least. There are two guys right now that I've been talking to. One is Drago. I really dont know much about him though. I just know some superficial stuff that really doesn't mean anything in the end. I'm pretty sure he just wants to fuck me because all he tried to do the last time was make out with me. I'm really not much of a sexually driven girl, Ive *never* been like that. I dont know what it was about Shaun that made me all melrose place but I've yet to meet anybody that made me feel that way since. The other guy that I've been chatting it up on the late night with is Jesse. I've known Jesse on and off for a couple years now but I just recently found out that he likes to paint. We've been doing alot of that together and just spending alot of time together in general. He's not very attractive though and he pretty much has a girlfriend already but just doesnt know it. He's been seeing Trisha for the past few months and is just too dumb to realize that they are a couple. I've never been much for seeking out emotionally (and simply) unvailible guys but as of late that's all I seem to be finding. God, all of this psychology hasn't been for nothing and I'm starting to sense a pattern and a slump that I've set myself in. I'm not happy with it and I need to change things up a little bit. I really dont have much more to write about. I'm sure that most of what I've written in here is just twacked out and misplaced compassion for the smaller side of things in life. But alas it is my life and nothing shall ever be too big or too small for me to consider either monumental or trivial. And with that I'm going to submit this fucker because now I *know* its just twacky gibberish. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 25th, 2004
12:02 am	Excursions of a non perveted flavor I have been racking my already waning and wandering brain to studying these past two days. I really hate this time of the school year. I've done remarkably well on my finals so far but the important one is tomorrow. I hope I do well on it. Shaun was in jail these past couple days. I'm not surprised. The cops came and ransacked his house this morning. Once again, I'm not surprised. Besides finals these past couple days have been pretty mellow. There has been absolutely no drama to speak of so I really dont have anything to write. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, March 22nd, 2004
3:39 pm	The intricacies of being a single woman Today was a little bit depressing and a big bit disappointing. I had met this guy at Ashkan's house on friday night and we were supposed to go to lunch but the fucker stood me up. It's so embarassing sitting at a table for two and eating alone. Luckily Shaun came to my rescue and ate enough for 3 people as always. I often consider how my life would be different if I were to have a boyfriend again. The push-pull that I had with Jake just wasn't worth the turmoil that it would cause in my head. From the day that I got with him I knew that I deserved better. *sigh* As a result of being overly lonely I have (on several occasions) contemplated a relationship with Danny. There is just too much history there though. He's a great guy but I don't see myself being anything more than just friends with him. Shaun on the other hand I could see myself totally falling for. It's no surprise that girls get so wound up on his shit because he really does have alot to offer. When Ruby left we got alot closer and ever since she came back we have been able to maintain a much closer and more personal relationship. She doesn't mind the fact that we are the way that we are with each other and that puts me slightly more at ease. But the frustration of being with him and *wanting* him but knowing that it would probably never be makes me sad at times. There are so many things about Shaun that I admire. The only thing that has always led for me to keep some sort of distance between us though is the simple fact that he is a little (big) bit of a player. He really is a sweet guy but in the end he's just after the same thing as almost every other guy out there. I guess the thing that makes him stand out is how he goes about that same *thing* that all guys want. His approach to the male/female relationship puzzles me a little bit because it seems like he isn't doing anything at all but at the end of the night you just want to jump into his pants and rip off his clothes. He reminds me of a rock star sometimes. He isn't a bad looking guy at all but it goes way beyond looks. His character and personality are the two things that draw women toward him. I know this because god, I've seen so many women come and go in his life. He just goes through women like kleenex sometimes. He's always meeting new girls and bringing them home knowing damn well that he has a girlfriend and doesn't want to have anything to do with these chicks in the morning. I delve into deep thought about the relationship that we used to have. He is the only guy that I was actually happy with (rather than content). There is something about the way that he treats me that really makes me feel special, like he genuinely cares and *isnt* just there for a piece of ass. We've only hooked up a few times in the past year but he's probably the only guy that I didn't regret sleeping with through this time. Most other guys try and act like something that they clearly aren't and in the end, have absolutely no clue who the fuck they are or what they want. I know that for now I am better off single but there are those points during every night when I just long to be held, kissed, and appreciated. I *do* get that sort of compassion from my friends but sometimes it's just not enough. I want more than that but I'm not willing to give anything up for it. I've already made that mistake once and am not about to put myself through that chaos again. I've grown and I know better than that, much better. I'm a beautiful girl with plenty to offer when the right guy comes along to share it with. For now though I'm happy with what I have and though there are those times of loneliness I know I don't have anything short of complete and total appreciation from those that are close to me. Danny, Shaun, and Ruby are my best friends and they are the three people that I can say I fully trust without any sort of hesitation. Every once in a while our friendships do get tested but through those rocky times one thing consistently prevails...respect. I guess that it's not so bad being single when you do have people around you that appreciate you. It's just a shame when at several points during every night I decide that I want a relationship with Shaun. I'm not even sure if he knows how I feel about him but on that same token I'm positive that he senses it. But I will always respect what him and Ruby have and I dont want to jeopardize two friendships just to get a small bit of satisfaction from someone who I'm not even sure feels the same way. Shaun will eventually end up with Ruby and I'm ok with that. I don't know what the hell he was thinking when he got with his current girlfriend though. There are just so many things about her that don't add up for me because I'd like to believe that I have a decent idea of what he wants. So how can she be it? Going back to my CCS project I've concluded one thing that I firmly believe. He stays with Pearl because he knows that when that relationship ends he will be forced to make a decision about what he wants from Ruby. He wrote me a letter this morning that made my heart almost skip a beat though. He's so good at expressing himself when he wants to. He undoubtedly made it clear how much he cares for me and that he wouldn't compare me to Ruby. I never thought he did in the first place though. The only thing about their relationship that bothers me is how wide open he leaves it. I feel bad for Ruby because I know that she wants more than what he's willing to give. How true is all of this though? After the answers to my questions were compiled yesterday I made a rough outline of what my conclusion for his interpersonal relationships section was going to entail. He is just a sweet geuinely caring person. What most people would consider "leading" someone "on" I simply see as him having a big heart. Maybe I'm just one of those people he's leading on. I wish i knew the answer to that. I feel like I'm in 8th grade pining over some guy again. I dont know what to make of my (possibly) misplaced feelings for Shaun. All I know is that unlike Pearl I would never settle for playing second chair to the women that he really loves. I dont know how she can go on to fool herself and day by day convince herself that their relationship would ever have the possibility of growing into something that scratched a surface other than that of "fun." Why cant I meet a guy to be with for "fun?" I guess there are plenty of them around me but I just have more respect for myself and more regard for my feelings than to dive head first into something that I know would never take me anywhere. I supposed I'm just too old fashioned in some respects. I would never seriously consider (or actually go ahead and date) dating someone whom I can't see myself marring. Call it princess syndrome if you must but it's how I'm accustomed to evaluating the people I'm potentiall choosing to give a part of myself (as well as my time) to. I don't think that I deserve anything less than the best (for me) and so until I think that I have found that person, I'm happy with where I am. And even when I do find that person I know that it wont last forever. I just believe that if I'm going to waste a few months with somebody it may as well be somebody who offers all of those little things that I'm looking for. I don't ask for anything specific but a good hearted character isn't too much for a simple requirment. I just dont want to get hurt again like I did with Jake. My heart is still too fragile to take another blow like that. For now though I will just appreciate how nice it really is to not be bothered by the emotional presence of another person. As much as I would *like* to be involved with someone I know that I just have way too much going for me right now to redistribute my time so the "person" gets an equal share of me. I dont think that it would be fair to either one of us. On top of all that, it's hard to find someone who can take my lifestyle with a grain of salt and not get bent out of shape over small things. This is depressing me. Im done (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 21st, 2004
8:20 pm	Side notes and commentary on several aspects of my CCS/relationships/Shaun, Ruby, and Pearl I didn't want to interview boob for any of the stuff I wanted to cover in my CCS because I already know more than enough about her and how he relates to her. I just wanted some solid documentable insights into his character but we tend to digress... We began talking about their relationship (past and present) and whether or not anything has truly changed between the two of them. There was obviously nothing that shocked me through the discussion but I did feel a bit enlightened. I know that my girl has tons of unresolved feelings for him. I know him to have the same towards her as well. But I've yet to make a solid connection as to what exactly will be done (now and possibly in the future) with this so called "relational tension" that they share. Through the years that I've known boob and Shaun I've known them to be nothing but the closest of friends, sharing everything with each other. But are they sharing too much now? Shaun has somewhat given Ruby the role of "girlfriend" in his life but with one minor (and often overlooked) detail: HE ALREADY HAS A GIRLFRIEND!!! I dont doubt that his feelings for pearl are sincere but unfortunately there is absolutely no way that the girl can even begin to compete with Ruby. To add to this handicap I highly doubt that she has either the patience or the insanity to do so. I don't know his girlfriend very well at all but from what I've been told about her and from the brief online conversation that I've had with her, I just don't see her quite fitting the mold that he sets for someone worthy of "girlfriend" material. This puzzles me because Shaun's past relationships have been with standup girls. Yes, Kat was a bit imbalanced when it came to a few things but wow, that girl is fucking smart and so incredibly artistic that it almost makes me jealous. There isn't much that you can gather from a person through a conversation online but then, I like to give myself credit where it is usually the least due. You can tell alot about a person (and their subsequent backgrounds) through their usage of grammar, humor, thought entry, and alas, SARCASM. Aside from what I've heard straight from the Whorses mouth I cant help but wonder exactly what it is that makes him stay with her. I think that he is much better off *not* settling for what Pearl has to offer. I'm in no way discrediting any of the girls characteristics (and strenghts therein), but merely making an opinion known. I know quite a bit about his past girlfriends and i cant help but be a little fuzzled when I wonder why he lowered the bar with her (and happily so). It triggers several questions for me that were asked of him as of earlier today and Ruby as well. Without the mindless patter of the question that were actually asked I shall venture into the nether regions of both of their heads and pull out things (most likely) of no value. It is a given that boob would think that he is too good for her. A boy that she's been trying to court since her return several months ago would be of nothing but sheer pedestalism in the sense that she holds him too high to ever consider letting him go for someone of pearls stature (in every way possible). I'd hate to get into personals in such an (traditionally) objective position but I cant help but take a personal interest when it comes to my two best friends. It's difficult to really even begin to disect the feelings that Shaun has for Ruby. I will be the first to admit that i still see that glow in his face when he is with her. Ruby left some time ago to pursue carreer options in Las Vegas (rather abruptly) and left him a bit broken hearted in the process. At the time of her departure they had just begun a quazi formal relationship together (revolving and including their already fully blossomed relationship and now peppered with a hint of exclusivity as well). When Ruby left Shaun continued his pursuit of sluttiness and quite openly took a taste of what other women had to offer. In an attempt to further remove any sort of spotlight from myself I shall leave out any sort of sexual/emotional bonding that we have had throughout the course of our own relationship. But I must point out that he made absolutely no hesitation to try and move on. Ruby was originally supposed to be gone for a year but he didn't know this. He thought that she was (for lack of a better and less cliche phrase) gone forever. As I begin to stumble on my own ignorance and realize that I have not provided nearly enough background on the relationship between the two I have come to the conclusion that it may not be all that important to go into painful detail about it. Shaun is the subject of my study and as much as Ruby is a big part of his life, it does revolve around other things as well. I don't have much to go on as of now to put together into a semi technical analysis of exactly why it is that he's lowered any sort of standards he may have had for the one that he refers to as his "significant other." I am only left with more questions and nearly not enough time to ask them of myself and maintain some sort of emotional sanity at the same time. What I *have* concluded, however, is the fact that Shaun *has* undeniably changed his ideals and expectations for someone that he would venture into a serious relationship with. I've never taken the relationship that he has with his current girlfriend too seriously since he spends much more time and depth with Ruby. But this is exactly what makes me ponder the things that I am. Is this just some sort of way for him to be able to test the waters of something serious, yet still maintain the "nothing to lose" mentality? Or is it possible that he has simply let go of many things that he'd come to expect from a woman that he would share himself wholely with? It would be nothing short of premature to even hypothesize on any of this. But my "two cents" stand exactly where they did when he first got together with her. If he was just looking for something to pass the time without the risk of it getting too serious, then my hat goes off to him. He accomplished that goal by tenfold. But if it really is something serious that he is searching for I dont think that he will find it anywhere near the girl he is currently with. Knowing how intense of a person he really is, I cant hold myself from letting out a slight chuckle when I think of her external definitions. I dont think that she's a bad girl at all but I do agree strongly with the idea that she may just not be for him. Im sure they could both make other people (that fit their ideals more closely) very happy but together they lack several important elements of a relationship. Im not trying to criticize or pass any judgement on their relationship thought because it seems to be moving along just fine. The only thing that i am allowed to speculate on is the "whether" and the "why." I'm done for now. It's time to smoke (3 Comments |Comment on this)
7:49 pm	I've decided to start a new journal My old one is getting too full of drama so I've taken it upon myself to go ahead and create this here little thingy. Allow me to make this thing more journal-like... This past weekend was a little quacky. Arshaun had a little change of mind (literally) and decided to take it upon himself to find hidden cameras in Jojo's walls. He did quite a bit of damage, several thousand dollars worth. I spent the remainder of the night with Ruby after Jojo kicked us all out of his house around 2 in the morning. I went and saw Dawn of the Dead with Shaun earlier that day and I think that was what made him flip out. Sometimes things make us start thinking certain ways and it doesnt take much to trigger an odd reaction of sorts (much like his display later on that night). I spent most of friday night with Ruby making dried flower bouqets and doing some painting. I haven't had the chance to spend much quality time with my girl because of school so it was nice to kick it with her for most of the weekend and just talk. I'm doing my CCS on Arshaun and since Ruby is probably the most important reflective figure in his life, I needed to ask her some stuff about him and I finally got to do it this weekend. God, we spent so much time talking about that boy and hehe, smoking. On Saturday Ruby and I frantically searched for Shaun. We both thought that after his little explosion the night before he may have found his way into a cozy jail cell at some point during the night. After a full day of looking for him and calling what seemed like endless times he showed up at his house with his snowboard. God, sometimes I just want to punch him. I kept my last journal pretty flat and neutral when it came to actual feelings (on anything). I don't want to have such disconnected entries this time. I made this new journal simply so I can discuss the emotional aspects of what goes on in my head with you guys. Sometimes it's just hard to say what you want to say because when it comes out it's always got some sort of tone attatched to it and plus, it's just easier to write than it is to talk. I'm not the most fluidly talkative person (though when I choose to it bears great significance on the future and general welfare of our society) so this is a bit of an easier way for me to express myself. (3 Comments |Comment on this)